Questionable trousers

I have many weaknesses, with my love for a good pair of questionable trousers being near the top of the list. I bought myself some new ones the other day in order to help me get over my Glastonbury blues. £7, H&M, truly hideous print similar to 1970s wallpaper. I ADORE them.

image

Boss, non?

They’ve had mixed reviews. I asked our Helen if she’d seen them hanging up in my room and she said “yes, and I don’t want to see them anymore.” A lad out in town screamed at me “‘KINELL GIRL YOUR TROUSERS ARE MAD.” But my mate Razzrin likes them. And so do I, which is the main thing.

P.s definitely got caught taking that selfie in Bar Bodega toilets. The shaaaame.

Advertisements

The Glastonbury dream is definitely over

After a day and a half of making vaguely hysterical plans to head down to Glastonbury, I have decided against driving down with my friend Michelle and trying to get in.  This is because a.)  I am a wimp and not rebellious in the slightest and b.)  I wouldn’t be able to eat for the rest of the month.  And I like eating. 

I feel slightly less depressed about my non-attendance today though; I’m now looking forward to the coverage starting today and am already planning next year’s trip. Slightly panicked that Daft Punk are going to make a guest appearance with Chic ce soir but other than that I THINK I WILL PULL THROUGH. One thing is for sure though – I know that  I will NEVER make the same mistake of giving up my ticket, ever ever again.  I now plan on going every year until I DIE. 

I’m going to get home from work and watch the coverage avidly all weekend, while wearing my wellies, with a sunburnt nose, and drinking potent cider.

Sounds like a plan, non?

 

 

Glastonbury nostalgia ♥

I’ve spent the majority of today looking through old photos from Glastonbury and simultaneously feeling happy about the memories that they evoke and DISTRAUGHT that I’m not going this year.  I’ve been eight times; the only one I’ve missed since 2002 was 2011 as my friend Helen got married the same weekend (I missed Beyoncé – still not over it.) Here are some of my favourite Worthy Farm memories. I miss it VIOLENTLY.

(N.B – I was unable to find photographic evidence of 2002 and 2004. Which, frankly, is for the best.)

image

2003

2003 – the first year with all the girls, we watched The Coral as the sun set, Jenny got sunburn in the shape of a crayon, and it would appear we had terrible, terrible taste in hats.

image

2005

2005 was the Year of the Mud. I remember waking up on the Friday morning, feeling smug that our tent had held its own against the biblical storms that had raged all night, then turning over in my sleeping bag and realising that we were basically floating and that the tent was full of water. I didn’t feel so smug after that.

image

2007

2007 was another wet year, but it didn’t matter – The Arcade Fire were amazing and we met Steve Lamacq AND a wizard.

image

2008

2008 was my favourite Glastonbury ever. The Saturday was the best day of my life to date. Seriously. I was in love, the sun shone, I spent the entire day watching my favourite bands with my favourite people, my most prized possession was purchased (my silver Glastonbury ring!)…it was utterly perfect. Peter had a crap tent but an electric toothbrush, Sarah and I were roundly booed by our neighbours as we were having a late-night singsong…a magnificent weekend was had by all.

image

2009

2009 was the year I lost the plot but then found it again and Erin got very emotional after watching Florence and the Machine. The legend. (Erin, not Flo.) I saw Bon Iver about a million times and Sarah and I nearly got married after a very emotional Blur set.

image

2010

2010 was ABSOLUTELY ROASTING and I cried a lot because I was a bit mental at the time. Oh dear. I loved Gorillaz even though most people said they were rubbish and I sobbed through the entirety of Stevie Wonder’s set.

I am gutted I’m not going this year. Although I’m not overly impressed with the line-up, the closer it gets to Wednesday when it would appear 95% of everyone I know is leaving the city to head to Somerset, the more I wish I had a ticket. Having said that, even though I might never get to go again – who knows what might happen in the next twelve months? – I will always have the memories of the eight times I’ve been before. To everyone who’s going this year, I hope that the sun shines, that everyone gets there and back safely, and that the Brothers cider is as ice cold, delicious and potent as ever. Fuck it, I’m feeling charitable – I’ll even be happy for everyone if Daft Punk make a last minute appearance!

Give Worthy Farm a kiss from me. I’ll be there in spirit.

A few thoughts about EastEnders

When EastEnders is good, it is very, very good.  When it is bad, it is horrid.

At the moment, it is horrid.

I’ve just watched the latest two episodes with Mother Goose.  Here are my main issues with it currently:

  • The casting directors must be having a laugh if they think for one second that we’d believe that Peter “Eye Candy” Beale is the son of Ian. 
  • Ava’s fancy man’s voice reminds me of Mufasa from The Lion King.
  • Ian referring to “us and them” = laughable.  This is Ian, who this time last year was a homeless tramp.  Come on.
  • You’d think that the citizens of Walford – which is plagued by crime and populated by wronguns – would be a bit more picky about information they give to strangers who say that they’re a friend of Derek Branning, the dodgiest gangster of all. Bianca: “Do you think he’s trouble, then?” Yes love. I do. Just a hunch.
  • I know that Tanya is dim, but AS IF you’d decide that the best way for your alcoholic daughter to be cheered up would be for a Beale to take her out on the razz on a licensed premises, mere metres away from loads of booze.

The only good points are the magnificent Michael Moon (“I.  Am.  HORRIBLE), Max Branning, who is a hero, and Janine, who is my favourite soap villain of all time but was sadly absent from these rubbish episodes.

P.S After our Paul told me I looked like Alice the other week with my new haircut, tonight he said that I reminded him of Lauren.  This is Lauren who’s on the pop in a big way and has rage issues.  Oh dear.

Record of Rage, Volume 4

Haven’t been angry on the ol’ blog for a while. But today I’ve got a few things to get off my chest.

Whispering

Didn’t yo’ momma tell you it’s rude to whisper? If a conversation is that private that no one else can hear it, save it for when you’re no longer in company. Thanks.

Carveries

I don’t like roast dinners anyway. I feel they are overrated and they don’t satisfy my always raging hunger. However, carveries annoy me – how can meats as dry as the desert and crusty veg that’s been sitting there for hours be in any way appetising? No ta.

Bierkeller

A truly hideous place. Like the worst student union and a mass drinking game all rolled into one, it’s full of wools being determinedly kerrazy and anyone who says that it is fun is a liar. Or a student. Or a wool.

Self-service tills

An excellent idea in theory, they never, ever work and you only have to blink near one before it’s screaming that’s there’s something unsuspected in the bagging area. Also, I love old people, but geriatrics should be banned from using them. I’m only buying a packet of blue Extra, I haven’t got time for some old dear to be faffing about getting their tins of cat food and corned beef in for the month.

“Cheer up love, it might never happen.”

Often uttered in the middle of the street by sad old men who think they’re hilarious, it makes me feel slightly murderous. Am I supposed to walk down the road with a manic grin on my face, just for your gratification? No chance mate. This is just my face. I’m always angry and right now I’m angry at YOU.

The Apprentice, Series 9, episode 7

Another tardy Apprentice blog post. I know, I know, I’m a constant disappointment, etc.

This week, the remaining ten Apprentices were summoned to the Tower of London by Lord Sugar, told to pack an overnight bag and given the task of selecting products to flog at the Motorhome and Caravan Show in Birmingham. Apparently the caravanning industry is worth £6 billion a year. As someone whose abiding memory of a caravan “holiday” is a truly woeful trip to Lowestoft, which featured me sneezing the entire time as I was allergic to the bedding, and the Crillys making the executive decision to leave a day early due to torrential rain, I find this crazy sum of money hard to believe, but The Apprentice voiceover man must have got that figure from somewhere, oui? Oui.

Kurt, the token Scouser, was chosen as PM of Endeavour over Alex, with Myles putting himself out of the running straight away due to the fact that he hates caravans (because he’s a snob and only deals with “glamorous business activities”) and because they’re banned in Monaco (which is where he lives – I think he may have mentioned that once or twice.) However, as he’s apparently marvellous at selling, he was in charge of the sub-team that pitched to suppliers, along with Leah and Natalie. Unfortunately, Myles’ over-enthusiastic pitching left Nick feeling nauseous and had a similar effect on the suppliers, plus Leah, who can always be relied upon to sour a mood, was pushy about the subject of discounting items towards the end of the day, showed no interest in the kid’s camping kit and therefore alienated all the manufacturers in the process. Job well done, misery guts! At the exhibition centre, Kurt and Alex were checking out the competition, with Kurt making loads of insightful comments – “these are, like, deckchairs, aren’t they?” while pointing at some…deckchairs – and choosing a retro camper van for their high-price product over a popular collapsible camper that transformed from a trailer to a tent, the latter about which Kurt himself stated “you can’t argue with the numbers he’s sold.” He ignored his own advice, bizarrely.

Myles and his smile that wins people over apparently.  Sincere, non?

Myles and his smile that wins people over apparently. Sincere, non?

Elsewhere, Neil was sent to Evolve to even things up and put himself forward as PM. His sub-team of Francesca, Luisa and Jordan had an opportunity to check out the products to choose from, including an electric bike, a kid’s camping kit and a boat box. Jordan went further down in my estimation by sneering “why would you pay for a roof on a chair?” Well, Jordan, as someone who has braved flash floods at Glastonbury and also determinedly sat on the beaches of Abersoch in sub-zero temperatures, I would have welcomed a chair with a roof on in both situations. Meanwhile Neil and Jason went to check out what was on offer on the first day of the exhibition, and also to select a high-price product to sell. The most mismatched pair the Apprentice has ever seen, the wonderfully camp Lovely Jason spent his time musing that he’d never been caravanning and also had never been to Birmingham, and wandering off like an errant toddler to look at motorbikes, whereas the more straight-laced Neil (who is, let’s be honest, a bit boring), became ever more exasperated with him and wanted to stick to the the task at hand, eventually selecting the collapsible campers being sold for a cool £11,000 as their high-end choice.
Both teams, it transpired, chose the electric bike and kid’s camping kit as their cheaper products to sell. Unfortunately for Kurt and Endeavour, and solely thanks to his useless sub-team’s total lack of enthusiasm, both suppliers favoured Evolve instead, so Endeavour were left with the chair with a roof and the boat box. Alex was APOPLECTIC with rage about this. Oh dear.

Off both teams went to the N.E.C, with Neil coming up with some, err, radical and motivational sales techniques – “Have a selling competition between yourselves!” – and his targets looking a tad unrealistic when it became apparent that their products were quite expensive. It was up to the utterly magnificent Lovely Jason to show them all how it was done. Just the right amount of camp, innuendo, and cheekiness – “Mount the stairs. ASCEND!” – he charmed the socks off absolutely everyone, leaving Neil a.) flummoxed and b.) nursing a dent to his sizeable ego (or “man-pride” as he calls it.)

Lovely Jason upon completing a lovely sale.  "Score!"  I love this man.

Lovely Jason upon completing a lovely sale. “Score!” I love this man.

Meanwhile on Endeavour, Kurt’s sale technique was so laidback it verged on complete disinterest – at one point I was worried he’d dozed off – Myles, who earlier had declared “I’m someone who sells stuff” sold absolutely nothing, and Alex spent much of his time seething with rage about not being allowed to sell anything. Leah was summoned at one point in a last-ditch attempt to flog a camper van – a “bit of eye candy” as Kurt put it, displaying his feminist ideals – to no avail.

To the boardroom, where Alex was, for once, lost for words; Myles pointed the finger at everyone else for poor sales rather than shoulder some of the blame himself; and it was confirmed that Neil’s sales targets had been way off the mark. Lovely Jason showed he was sharper than his mad professor exterior makes out when Lord Sugar sneered “you’ve obviously never been in a caravan or camping!” replying coolly, “I’ve never been to Birmingham either – it was an entirely new experience all the way round!” He also didn’t take the opportunity to criticise Neil’s managerial skills, due to the fact that HE IS LOVELY. Largely thanks to Lovely Jason, Evolve won in a victory that was, in Alex’s words, a “total annihilation.” Karren could barely wait to snitch about Kurt’s “eye-candy” comment, with Natalie clearly fuming that she wasn’t considered to be the eye-candy of choice, and Leah pretending to be outraged by it but secretly thrilled at the same time. A double firing followed – our token Scouser was shown the door as he’d wanted to prove something to Lord Sugar but, in this case, only proved that he was a bit crap, and thankfully Natalie too, who was far too hysterical to be business-like at any point.

Tonight’s episode was all about online dating. Lovely Jason + a task involving online dating = A GLORIOUS TELEVISUAL DREAM. Can’t wait to watch it.

A Few More Things

Lovely Jason’s teddy ❤

I can’t stand Jordan, the smug little gnome.

Luisa’s voice makes me feel sick.

I laughed my head off when the teddy bear fell on Nick when he was sitting in the camper van. Was it the one that Jason was trying to pack in his overnight bag, do you think?

The circumference of Sir Chris Hoy’s thighs is truly a sight to behold.