…and top 5 low points

There are no highs without the lows. Here are five of my darkest moments from 2013.

1. Arcade Fire’s new album.

I can’t say that I hate it. I can’t even say that it’s a bad album. But I have never felt such a keen sense of disappointment in a band in my entire life. It genuinely makes me feel a bit teary just thinking about it. Yes, I need to get a life.

2. X Factor – the whole thing

I can’t even defend it any more. It’s been absolutely atrocious from start to finish.

3. My continuing battle with Arriva

They exist solely to irritate me. (And to bus people around the city, obviously. But they even struggle with that sometimes.) It is a mutual hatred. I ring them at least once a week to complain about something. And they still haven’t whacked the heating on on the 61.

4. Glastonbury

Or rather, the fact that I did not attend Glastonbury this year. ‘Twas no-one’s fault but my own and I am still fuming at myself for being so financially woeful that I didn’t get to go. Next year though! Next year, I’ll make up for it, and then some.

5. My hair

It was dyed for the first time in my life in May and I haven’t had it done since and now the highlights are white and mismatched and I haven’t got a clue what to do with it. SEND HELP.

Please note that my list of low points is half the length of my list of highlights. This surely means that, against all odds, and considering that my life is an ongoing farce, 2013 must have been alright.

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Top 10 highlights of 2013…

All together now! Sing! “It’s the most, wonderful tiiiiime, of the year!”

I’m obviously referring to the many “best of” lists that are now upon us.

Naturally, being a lifelong list lover, I’ve compiled my own. Here, in no particular order, are my top ten highlights of 2013.

1. Flying Ant Day

Or, rather, the lack thereof. Despite daily texts, Facebook alerts and Twitter messages from concerned pals who are well aware of my flying ant phobia, I only saw about seven of the blighters all summer. I fervently hope that 2014 is similar.

2. Alex Turner’s vocals on Do I Wanna Know?

Specifically, the lyric “simmer down and pucker up.” Never has the Sheffield accent sounded so alluring.

3. My birthday

Nothing especially spectacular happened. But I spent it with fabulous people and had an absolute ball. Even better, I didn’t cry once on the actual day, which is a first since I was about 21. PROGRESS!

4. Maria and Phil’s wedding

One of the best days of my life, never mind theirs, I will forever hold dear the memory of bellowing Never Forget at the top of my lungs, with about 200 brilliant people surrounding me. Good times.

5. Abersoch

Our family holiday to Abersoch was a highlight for me, mainly because I got to wake up to this stunning view in one of my favourite places on the planet every day for a week. Bliss.

abersoch view

6. Andy Murray winning Wimbledon

FINALLY. So proud!

7. Breaking Bad

Late to the party as ever, I devoured the whole thing in the space of a couple of months and became obsessed with it about three episodes in. Unfortunately, the lasting effect of it is that my fellow Breaking Bad-loving friends and I say “yo” to each other at the end of sentences. I used to think we were doing this ironically but now I’m not too sure. Ah well. It’s chemistry, bitch.

8. Roberto Martinez

Before David Moyes managed to piss off Evertonians the world over with his outrageous bid for Fellaini and Baines, I was distraught to see him go. I need not have worried – Roberto is working wonders. Plus he looks better in a suit.

9. Starting a blog and joining a choir

Trivial and unimportant events, you may say. However, they were both things that I kept saying I’d do and then, for one reason or another, kept putting off. I would seriously recommend both to everyone – so very therapeutic!

10. Kerry Katona’s high-five getting blanked

Sometimes, if I am feeling sad, I watch this video and I immediately feel happy again. Comedy gold.

List of Love 3, Volume 3 – Best Toys Ever

After writing my Christmas list yesterday, I was talking to Mother Goose about my favourite toys when I was a kid after she’d read my blog (an avid reader of my blog, is Mother Goose. Apart from the posts with swear words in which I pre-warn her about, so she can avoid them.) She confirmed that I adored Judy the doll, and agreed that my decision to give her a fringe trim wasn’t the best I ever made. She also jogged my memory about other toys that I loved, which got me reminiscing.

I’m in a nostalgic mood. Here are some of my favourite toys ever.

BAYWATCH BARBIE

I was a massive Barbie fan. In fact, I can vividly remember still playing with them with my best pal Jenny when we were old enough to know better (we were absolutely certainly wearing Broughton Hall school uniforms. I.e OLD. Weirdos.) The best was Baywatch Barbie, complete with dolphin and obligatory red swimming costume. No Kens though. Ken was, and always will be, a massive divvy.

Obv with dolphin pal.

Obv with dolphin pal.

POLLY POCKET

Another typically girly toy (obviously I was yet to discover feminism at the age of eight), Polly Pocket were tiny plastic worlds of wonder. So tiny, in fact, that the sets remained complete for all of five minutes – most of the Pollys were lost and Hoovered up within days. Poor Pollys 

polly pocket

PUPPY IN MY POCKET

The best things about these were that they were free, and collectable from packets of cereal, and came with fact cards about each puppy, which appealed to my geeky stat-loving nature. I had them all – Maria and I used to create worlds for them in our bunk beds. Toby was my favourite. He was a Newfoundland puppy who was stuck in a flowerpot.

Me fave Toby is third from the left on the back row, the ledge.

Me fave Toby is third from the left on the back row, the ledge.

TV TEDDY

THIS WAS THE BEST TOY EVER. Anyone remember him? He was a big massive teddy who magically spoke to the telly. Amazing!

I loved him, even though, in retrospect, he looks a bit demented.

I loved him, even though, in retrospect, he looks a bit demented.

Unfortunately, our TV Teddy met an untimely end. On the day that Everton won the FA Cup final in 1995, Chez Crilly was shockingly broken into. The evil robbers inexplicably nicked the controller which enabled TV Teddy to merrily chat away, so although he was still part of the family, he was tragically rendered mute forever. Sad, sad times.Oh to be a child again!

Bad things and good things about summer

Bad things

The constant threat of flying ant day striking.

Trying to get to sleep when your bedroom is hotter than the sun.

Drying your hair i.e blasting your already roasting self with hot air.

Buses that still have their heating on.

Insect bites.

Fellas wandering the streets with their tops off. Mings.

Girls wandering the streets sporting those denim shorts where you can actually see their knickers. Mings.

Having a full-time job, therefore not being as tanned as people who are off work.

Opening the window in a vain attempt to get some air into aforementioned boiling hot bedroom and a full-on ecosystem of moths, flies and wasps being created within seconds.

Good things

Barbecues.

Picnics.

Beer gardens.

Ok so basically eating and drinking outside at all times.

Kazimier Gardens.

A tanned foot and toenails painted in fuchsia nail varnish combination.

Paddling pools.

Excellent sandals and excellent sunglasses.

Everyone looking more attractive when sporting said excellent sunglasses.

Getting to work without being drenched on the way and therefore not having to fret about the onset of trench foot.

The fact that good weather is just generally better, and makes everyone smile, and makes life a thousand times easier.

ENJOY THE SUN Y’ALL!

List of Love, Volume 2

Just realised I’ve done three Records of Rage and only one List of Love. Which just goes to show that I am more angry a person than I am loving, but here’s the second List of Love in an attempt to redress the balance…

Jesy from Little Mix

Little Mix are my favourite X Factor contestants of ALL TIME, and Jesy is my favourite member. I imaginatively dubbed her “Pugface” early on in the series as I think she looks like…well, a pug. Some people think this is an insult but I think pugs are cute; ergo, Pugface is cute. I am in awe of her moves and her fearless approach to clashing prints. She is, in my eyes, a legend. PUGFACE FOREVER.

Airports

I’m not seasoned enough a traveller for airports to irritate me, and as a dedicated people watcher, these places are my idea of heaven. And the shops. The SHOPS! Shops that, granted, I can go to in Liverpool city centre generally, but I love wandering around them regardless. Plus no flight from Liverpool John Lennon airport would be complete without an over-priced Burger King preceding it.

Yarden dances

Not a typo – we only have a yarden, not a proper garden – I am unable to get home from a night out and go straight to bed. Generally, I head straight to the yarden with my headphones in, armed with a pizza or a burger, and have a good ol’ dance to (more often than not) Queen Bey. God knows what the neighbours think if they ever see me mid-yarden rave. Everyone should try it though. It’s very liberating!

Sloths

I was almost definitely a sloth in my past life. I feel a special kinship with them. They are very lazy and, according to Wikipedia, “move only when necessary.” I can totally identify with that. Also, they are adorable. Finally, look at how amazing my sloth bag is off Jenna:

Probably the best present ever.

Probably the best present ever.

List of Love, Volume 1

In a desperate attempt to convince you, my beautiful blog readers, that I haven’t got anger issues, I’ve decided to start compiling a List of Love in response to my ongoing Record of Rage. Here goes…

Lists

Oh, I love a good list. Nothing makes me happier than having an event to plan and a list to make and things to tick off said list. Note – you would think that list-making would be the sign of an organised person. You would, in this instance, be sorely mistaken.

My Glastonbury ring

My most prized possession, it cost £4.50 and I love it dearly. It was bought for me in Glastonbury 2008, it reminds me of the greatest weekend of my life (so far!) and I would be devastated if I lost it.

The Metro

I am an avid reader. I will read anything. It distresses me when people say they don’t enjoy reading. Therefore it gives me a lump in my throat (yes, I am an emotional wreck), to see people on my morning commute to work quietly reading three-day-old news. We’ll ignore the fact that the schoolboy prats on my bus use the Metro to make weapons out of.
Also reliably hilarious animal photos.

'Mazing.

‘Mazing.

My hearing aid

Continuing my bid to be the coolest 27-year-old in the land, I am the proud owner of a hearing aid at a relatively young age. Should’ve worn one years ago, didn’t, became deafer, had to swallow my pride and get a new one a couple of months ago. And to be fair to my lil bionic ear, as Jasmine off Aladdin once sang, it’s “a whole new wooooorld!” Crystal clear conversations! Who knew?! And if I can prevent myself from getting any bloody deafer…well, that actually is pretty cool.

Meat

I am a dedicated carnivore. I haven’t got a sweet tooth, I’ve got a MEAT TOOTH. I’ll pass on the cupcakes, thanks, and instead work my way through a packet of honey roasted ham followed by a few barbecue ribs finished up with some crispy duck and pancakes. My nan once bought me a frozen leg of lamb and wrapped it up for a Christmas present, one of the greatest presents I have ever received and proof, if any were needed, of my love for the stuff.

I CAN FEEL THE RAGE SLIPPING AWAY ALREADY. Ah, ‘tis akin to therapy, this blog-writing lark…